You’ve probably been there: you do something nice for someone, fully convinced you’re being helpful, only to have them turn around upset or hurt. Your first reaction? “But I didn’t mean to!” That moment—where your intent doesn’t align with your impact—is a wake-up call many of us stumble over, especially if you’ve been deep in the trenches of people-pleasing. Let’s talk about why your good intentions don’t always land the way you think they should, and what you can do about it.
The People-Pleasing Trap
For me, people-pleasing was once my default. I’d leap into action, trying to solve problems that weren’t mine to fix, all under the guise of being “helpful.” But here’s the kicker: I rarely waited for anyone to ask. Instead, I assumed what they needed, based on what I thought was best. And when it backfired? I’d feel frustrated, defensive, and, honestly, a little betrayed.
Looking back, I see now that people-pleasing often stems from wanting to feel needed. It’s about control—making ourselves feel impactful without waiting for others to define what they actually need from us. It’s not a kindness; it’s a shortcut to avoid discomfort.
The lesson? Doing something nice doesn’t always mean doing something right.
Intent vs. Impact: The Disconnect
Intent is what you meant to do. Impact is what actually happened. And those two things don’t always match.
Here’s a truth I had to learn (the hard way): your intent doesn’t excuse your impact. If your actions cause harm—even unintentionally—that harm still exists. And no amount of “but I was trying to be nice” erases it. What matters is how you respond when someone tells you they were hurt.
Instead of getting defensive, what if you held space? Imagine saying:
“I didn’t realize this was harmful. I’m sorry. How can I make it better?”
It’s a humbling shift, but it’s where real accountability begins.
Accountability Without Blame
When we mess up, our first instinct is often to explain or justify. “I didn’t mean it like that” or “You misunderstood.” But here’s the thing: intent without accountability can come across as dismissive. Listening, without rushing to explain yourself, shows respect for the other person’s feelings. It’s about creating space for their experience without minimizing it.
Accountability isn’t the same as blame. Blame is about assigning fault; accountability is about acknowledging the impact and doing better next time. It’s an opportunity to grow, not a punishment.
Why We Avoid Discomfort
Let’s be real—sitting with discomfort is hard. Whether it’s realizing you’ve hurt someone unintentionally or reckoning with bigger societal issues, it’s easier to turn away, justify, or perform a quick fix.
But growth lives in discomfort. And as a society, we’re terrible at sitting in it. Especially as white people, we’ve built systems designed to avoid discomfort—be it through performative allyship (hello, blue bracelets) or brushing off criticism as people being “too sensitive.” True allyship, whether in personal relationships or broader communities, requires action, not just intentions. It means walking the walk, not just performing safety.
Societal Examples: When Intent Misses the Mark
The disconnect between intent and impact isn’t just personal—it’s systemic. Take microaggressions, for example. A well-meaning comment like, “You’re so articulate for someone from [insert stereotype]” might come from a place of admiration, but it reinforces harmful stereotypes. Intent doesn’t soften the sting of the impact.
Another example: performative allyship. If you want to be an ally to marginalized groups, you need to go beyond gestures that make you feel good. Support their businesses, amplify their voices, and most importantly, listen to their feedback—even when it’s uncomfortable.
Shifting From Fixer to Supporter
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is this: it’s not your responsibility to solve someone else’s problems unless they’ve explicitly asked for your help.
As a recovering people-pleaser, I now practice waiting. If someone needs something, they’ll ask. And if they don’t ask, I remind myself that stepping in uninvited often does more harm than good. It’s not my job to fix things—it’s my job to listen, to be present, and to respect their autonomy.
And when the tables turn? It’s my responsibility to ask for help when I need it. Hyper-independence isn’t a badge of honor; it’s a trauma response. Learning to ask is its own form of healing.
Reflection Exercise: Intent vs. Impact Check
Want to reflect on your own patterns? Try this exercise:
1. Think of a time when your actions hurt someone, even though you meant well.
2. Write down what your intent was.
3. Write down the impact it had on them.
4. Reflect: Did you listen to their perspective? Did you apologize? How did you make amends?
5. Ask yourself: What could you do differently next time?
Final Thoughts
Navigating intent vs. impact is messy, but it’s where empathy lives. It’s where we grow, not just as individuals but as a society. The next time someone tells you your impact didn’t land as you intended, pause. Listen. Apologize. And ask how you can do better.
Because being kind isn’t about what makes you feel good—it’s about how your actions land with others.
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