Self-care is everywhere. We see it in TikToks about boundaries, in those cute Instagram posts reminding us to take time for ourselves, and in all the books and podcasts telling us what we should be doing. And, yeah, I’ve soaked it all up. I know what self-care looks like in theory. I know how important boundaries are. But living it? Whole different story.
I’m not just talking to you—I’m talking to me, too. I’m stuck in that space where I know what I need to do, but actually doing it? Actually keeping my boundaries, even when it’s uncomfortable? That’s where it gets messy. But I’m working on it. And if you’re here, maybe you’re working on it, too. So let’s get into it.
When Knowing Isn’t Enough
I’ll be real: I preach about boundaries all the time. I’ll tell anyone who will listen that they need to set them, hold them, stick to them like their life depends on it. And then I’ll turn around and compromise on my own.
Take family, for example. Cutting off a family member was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. This person didn’t bring anything positive into my life—they only brought harm. But still, standing firm in my decision meant dealing with the fallout: the guilt, the other family members pushing back, the little voice in my head saying, “You’re going to be in trouble for this.”
But here’s the thing: boundaries don’t mean anything if you’re not willing to enforce them. Saying, “This is what I need” and then caving when it’s hard? It just teaches people that your boundaries are flexible. And it teaches you that you’re not worth standing up for. That’s a lesson I’ve been unlearning, one uncomfortable moment at a time.
Boundaries Are Harder When You’re Lonely
I’ve found that enforcing boundaries is so much harder when I’m feeling vulnerable—especially when it comes to relationships with men. There are moments when I just feel done with being alone, and it’s so tempting to let someone in who doesn’t actually meet my needs.
It happens most often when I’m emotional (yes, I’m talking about those PMS weeks). I’ll find myself thinking, “Maybe this crusty dude will do for now.” Spoiler alert: he won’t.
Here’s what I’ve realized: the love I want—slow, intentional, rooted in trust—doesn’t exist in the world of rushed dating and swipe culture. It doesn’t exist with someone who isn’t willing to invest in me the way I need. I’ve also realized that I can’t compromise on this anymore. I’d rather face rejection over and over than settle for someone who doesn’t see my value. And, honestly, I’m kind of learning to embrace rejection. It’s not fun, but it’s better than losing myself.
Knowing What You Deserve (and Sticking to It)
I love what Matthew Hussey said: “Don’t invest your time and energy in someone you like. Invest in someone who invests in you.”
For so long, I’ve been pouring into people who weren’t giving me anything back—whether it was friends, family, or romantic partners. I’ve been settling for scraps because I didn’t believe I deserved more. But I do. And so do you.
This has become my mantra: If you’re not obsessed with all of me—my loudness, my softness, my fat body, my whole self—you’re not it. I don’t want to be someone’s “maybe.” I don’t want to shrink or compromise just to make someone else comfortable. If I’m too much? Go find less. (Yes, that’s an Elyse Myers quote)
Living Self-Care, Not Just Talking About It
So, what does it look like to actually live self-care? For me, it means setting some hard non-negotiables and sticking to them, even when it’s uncomfortable. Here’s where I’ve landed:
1. I won’t say yes to things I don’t want to do.
Whether it’s plans, favors, or obligations, if my heart says no, I’m listening.
2. I’ll ask for what I need.
Even if it’s awkward. Even if I’m scared of being told no.
3. I’ll rest when I need to.
If I’m unwell or just burned out, I’m not pushing myself to show up for anyone else.
4. I’ll stop pretending I’m okay when I’m not.
Masking my discomfort to keep the peace? Not anymore.
These sound simple, but let me tell you, they’re not. Recently, I’ve been dealing with weeks of being sick. People I love wanted to see me, and I wanted to see them, but my body said no. So I said no. And that was hard—my instinct is always to push myself. But I didn’t. And the people who truly care about me? They get it. The ones who don’t? Well, maybe it’s time to let them go.
Why Boundaries Feel So Damn Hard
Let’s not sugarcoat this: enforcing boundaries feels like crap sometimes. It’s isolating. It’s scary. And it’s so easy to spiral into guilt and self-doubt.
For me, it’s that little voice saying, “If you say no, they’ll hate you. If you stand up for yourself, you’ll lose everyone.” That’s rejection sensitivity talking, and it’s loud. But here’s what I’m learning: enforcing boundaries isn’t about keeping others out—it’s about letting myself in. It’s about creating a life where I can breathe, where I don’t have to compromise my peace just to be liked.
Small Steps to Start Living Self-Care
If you’re like me and still working on this, start small. Here’s what I’ve found helpful:
• Say no to one thing this week. Just one. See how it feels.
• Write down your non-negotiables and keep them somewhere you’ll see them.
• Cut off one person or situation that constantly drains you.
• Celebrate the moments when you stick to your boundaries, even if they’re tiny.
Self-care isn’t a destination. It’s not about waking up one day and suddenly having it all figured out. It’s a process—a messy, uncomfortable process. But every time you show up for yourself, you’re sending a message: I’m worth it.
Closing Thoughts
This isn’t easy. I’m still in it, still figuring it out as I go. But here’s what I know: when you start walking the walk, you stop chasing people who don’t see your value. You make space for the ones who do. And you prove to yourself that you’re worth the love you’ve been waiting for.
So, what’s one promise you can make to yourself today? And how are you going to keep it? Start there. You’ve got this.
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